Well, where do I start…this is a very difficult topic, and to begin it is difficult because there are so many things that contributed to it. Let’s just start with where I am now. I am in a state of disappointment regarding some things that transpired one year ago. I am disappointed in myself. I let many people down, and I lost a lot in the process. That says a lot in and of itself, but I can continue. I regret my decisions, and I have asked all who I have come in contact with for forgiveness. Many have been very gracious. Some have elected to not do so, which I am fine with, which was an issue prior to all of this happening, but I have learned how to reconcile those situations. More than anything, I continue to forgive myself for all that has transpired, which is the toughest part of this journey.

I returned to Alabama three years ago to work at my alma mater. It was the place where I completed three degrees, where I met many lifelong friends, where I grew into adulthood, and where I was able to be a part of some special teams in football which granted many experiences and skills that have benefitted me. I have deeper roots to the University than many people, so it meant a lot to me to be there. However, my primary reason for returning was to be closer to my mother whose health was failing. As an only child, I felt compelled to be closer as I could not convince her to move closer to me in Oklahoma. Regardless, when the position came up for the vice president of student life, it seemed like the reasonable next step in my career. I had a great job at the Oklahoma Department of Human Services, and I was excited about the opportunity to continue in that capacity to assist people in a different way than I had earlier in my career. I considered it to be the place where I would spend the remainder of my career, until things happened with my mother’s health decline. Returning to Alabama was a career shift, but it was a necessity to get closer to home and my mother. Some qualified the opportunity as my dream job. That had not been the case because I understood the complexities of it as I had watched from afar as others had been eaten alive by the role. I swore that I never would look at this particular role at Alabama or any similar institution…especially Alabama. I also had other career aspirations at that time, so it was not my “dream job”. It was a great opportunity at a place that I loved dearly that was 680 miles closer to my hometown than I was before taking the job. It made sense. However, I will always say that it is one of the toughest jobs of its kind in the country due to the complexities of the culture. That is not being critical. It’s a reality.

To this day, I am extremely generous to all who made the opportunity available, and I continue to be appreciative to have been able to serve the university in that capacity. There are things that I wished could have been done differently, but it is what it is. Those things were not deal breakers then, and they are not now. This is not about that.

This is about dealing with hurt and unresolved trauma which was complicated by new stressors. It is not about any excuse. It is my reality, and it is my truth. Many have their opinions, and I respect that, but I hope that as you are reading this, you understand that it is my truth. I am writing this because I am hopeful that those who are hurting and have unresolved issues and trauma will follow a different path than I followed.

I have written much about the positives of growing up where I did in Sweet Water, AL. I had so many mentors and friends who helped me to become the person that I am today. I don’t mention the challenges that I had to include physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. It is not important where or who was responsible as it is water under the bridge (control what you can control, right), but it left scars. There were certain family disconnects that created challenges throughout my life. My grandmother was my rock and provided me with significant support and guidance as I grew up. My mother provided me with ample opportunities, and her influence is the reason that I worked in education for so many years, but our relationship was very unstable. She did what she could with what she had. However, many who knew her knew that she could be a tough customer to deal with. She was complex. I just had to deal with it as her son. We both had “our ways” as my grandmother used to say. I needed to be back closer to her as her health declined because that is what I was supposed to do, but it complicated my life in ways that I had forgotten during my 20 years in Oklahoma. Many old and unresolved issues resurfaced, and I realized that it caused me to react in negative ways. I ignored it. I am not blaming her, as I should have responded in different ways. I didn’t.

“Coming home” was supposed to be great for me also in terms of returning to my alma mater. I was excited about the prospect. The ability to walk across the campus that contributed to the person that I am was so exhilarating as I thought about being back in Tuscaloosa. The ability to reconnect with the people who mentored me and the ones who I considered to be friends was exciting. The ability to work with the next generation of Capstoners was exciting. Well, I arrived in late March 2020. The world was different, and Tuscaloosa was not immune to this new reality. The pandemic was just starting, and the ability to reconnect and become a part of the community that I loved so dearly was not a reality. I came back under very different circumstances. These circumstances were not ideal by any means. The job that I mentioned was one of the toughest in the country was further complicated by the coronavirus. No longer was I going to be the person who contributed to a positive college experience for students, but I became a primary face for students and parents as the barrier to enjoying their college experience. I was the one who shut down all of the social events. I was the one who was going to ruin their freshmen year…someone else’s senior year. I was the one who was going to “destroy long standing traditions”. A counter group’s argument was that I was the one who was not doing enough to protect them. I was the devil to many. Instead of the welcome home that I expected, I was viewed by many as a pariah. That was very difficult as I expected it to be so much more.

Fast forward as I sat in my “class” that I was supposed to complete to be exonerated for my crime per my lawyer, I looked around the room at the other men who were there for the same reason. They were broken and downcast for the most part. There was remorse there. We were together for four hours, and there was little conversation, but I have been around many people in many situations, and I am able to read a room. As we were browbeaten with commentary from individuals with very clear agendas who presented to us on that day, I was disappointed that more was not done to deal with the brokenness that existed in that room. I saw a movie recently that had one line where a woman says to a man, “You have a hole in your heart.” She went on to say that she saw it when she first met him, and she felt that she could fix it. After much time, she threw up her hands in frustration and gave up. She realized that she could not fix it. Maybe no one could, but the one person who possibly could was that young man. The men in the room that I engaged with had holes in their hearts. They had issues that were unresolved from some segment of their lives. Those holes were different sizes, but they caused these men to constantly search for something to fill it. Temporary fulfillment created more frustration, and it led to a continued journey in search of something to fill the void that existed in their hearts. I related to them because I had that hole…I possibly still have it.

The last year has been spent talking to counselors, talking to pastors, mentors, fraternity brothers, many friends/family, and former teammates/A-Club members. I have learned much about myself, and I have forgiven myself for many of my past mistakes. However, there is a lot that I have carried through the years. Acceptance is something that I have chased because of that hole. I achieved much, but it was never enough because I still had to satisfy more people. I pushed myself hard, and it led to significant undue stress and an unwillingness to be content. I sought perfection in so many ways just to gain that acceptance. There were things that I legitimately engaged in and enjoyed, but there were also things that were driven by this relentless desire to please others. I did well in many ways in helping others, and that was not vanity. It is who I am. I desired to make a difference for students and others in my community. However, in doing this work and striving toward perfection, I was not dealing with issues that I had lived with for years. When that happens, you engage in a slow fall. You cannot fully help others, if you do not help yourself. You fall into situations that you thought you would never be in. If you don’t deal with these issues, you will forever make that hole bigger in your heart, and you hurt those that you really care about.

I cannot emphasize my faith enough in all of this. God has granted me Grace in so many situations, in spite of myself. It was hard moving here and not being connected to a church family. We had a great church family in Oklahoma, and we looked forward to connecting here upon our arrival, but churches were shut down for months when we arrived. It was impossible to create a connection and to sustain our faith. It was also hard to stay connected with our friends and church in Oklahoma because of the distance. I felt more and more removed from God during this time. It was frustrating, and I believe that many experienced this disconnect even when they were a part of a church because of the pandemic. There was no one to embrace us when we arrived. I…we needed that. We have finally found a church family, and it has been good to rebuild our relationship with God first. I cannot say enough about the support that our pastors and Sunday School class have provided to us over the past year. It has been a blessing.

I was reading a passage about King David this morning. It reminded me that this man of God who is recognized as being a man after God’s own heart had failed on many levels. In Psalm 51, we find David walking through various steps of repentance and restoration after failing to follow God’s standards for righteous living. That scripture and his example have resonated significantly with me over the past year. I have asked for forgiveness on many levels, and I have asked for reconnection with God. Finally, I have asked Him to allow me to live a life that follows the paths that He desires for us. At the end of the day, I feel that I have regained my past connection with Him, and I know what needs to be done to stay on that path. I have found my source and strength, and I have reclaimed the relationship that has carried me through so much. I am so thankful to Him for His Grace and Mercy.

Why am I sharing this? Well, I am hopeful that someone will read this, and seek the assistance that they need to deal with past traumas. I have seen too many people who have resorted to other scenarios (some very tragic) because of the traumas that they have experienced and have failed to deal with. I want to encourage you to talk to someone who can help you — a counselor, a pastor, any professional who can help you deal with these challenges. In the “midst of my storm”, I was fearful of asking for help. I didn’t have enough time. I was too prideful to ask for help. I was too embarrassed to ask for help. I write this post not because I lost a great career opportunity, but because I almost lost so much more. I will have to work a very long time to recover the trust and faith that people had in me. That creates even more insecurity in me than I had before, so that is why I am writing this to encourage you to not end up in this situation. You don’t have to wait 50 years and experience significant hurt before you can experience peace. It is not over. I am a work in progress, but at least I am working through it in a way that is not hurting anyone else. I implore you to understand that life can be better if you get to know yourself better and deal with these situations in a positive manner. I wish you well on your journey. May God bless you.

“What and how much had I lost by trying to do only what was expected of me instead of what I myself had wished to do?  What a waste, what a senseless waste!”

Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

Who are you anyway, and do you belong here?!?!? Have you ever asked yourself these questions in the context of work, school, your community when those who are around you are not like you?  I am not speaking merely about the color of your skin.  It could be your gender, your nationality, your socioeconomic background, your personality, just fill in the blank.  You just don’t feel like you fit in.  It can be an overpowering experience — one that can cause you to go into complete panic.  You just don’t feel comfortable, and in some cases, the individuals who make up the majority may make the situation a little more unbearable.  Whatever the case, there are things that you can do to deal with the situation and hopefully thrive because in some cases (like work), you have to be there (not always, but you know what I mean).  I must preface this by saying that I have not always thrived.  I have in some cases failed, so know that I have not perfected this situation.  In some cases, the group that is in the majority is not interested, nor will they allow you to be successful. The situation just may be imposter syndrome.

I have been in those situations where I have felt completely like a fish out of water.  I have walked into environments where I was not included in conversations.  I was a supervisor, and the team members that I supervised were included in conversations that I was not invited to join.  It was an incredulous situation that presented challenges for me in terms of being an effective leader.  In trying to strategize and lead the organization, it was always interesting that decisions had already been made.  There were members of the organization who seemed to undercut my work, which I could not determine if it was due to my true shortcomings or if it was just intentional sabotage.  It caused me to question the situation on many levels.  Was it because of the culture?  Was it because of some underlying racial discrimination?  Was it merely coincidental?  Was it a case of imposter syndrome on my part? Regardless, it caused me to question my abilities and my place in the organization and in society.

Imposter syndrome, which some authors have called perceived fraudulence, centers on  feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist even though your education, experience, and accomplishments indicate otherwise.  Why is this significant?  Well, one study which combined 62 studies on imposter syndrome suggested anywhere from 9 to 82 percent of people report having thoughts along these lines at some point.  I don’t like the large disparity between these percentages, but it highlights that in many situations, individuals feel some degree of discomfort because of environments where they feel insufficient.  In some cases, there are underlying situations from the past that have caused the individual to feel insecure, and consequently, they have carried those insecurities into situations throughout life.  In other cases, it is a unique experience that is created by the circumstances of the situation.  I must admit that mine is a combination of both.  I have had my past situations that cause me to feel insecurities at all times, and then there have been situations where I have felt like an imposter because of the situation.  And, yes, I can distinguish them at this point in my life (smile).  Regardless, it is important to create strategies to survive during these situations.  Please consider the following:

• First understand your value — We are all created equally by our Divine Father.  We have gifts that make us who we are.  Understanding and reaffirming those are so very critical in building your self-esteem.  It’s easier said than done, right?  You don’t just start feeling this way, and those feelings of negativity go away.  It is important to feed yourself positive thoughts continually, even before you get into situations where you feel like an imposter.  It may be helpful to get professional assistance in some cases to support you.
• Address the situation head on — If you are feeling insecure, it is probably not going to be comfortable to confront those who you perceive are making your feel uncomfortable.  However, as you think about the first one again regarding understanding your value, it is critical to stand up for yourself.  It does not have to be a negative, in-your-face scenario.  It is merely having a conversation that you probably have perceived to be impossible in the past.  What is the worse that can happen?  What have you got to lose?  What have you got to gain?  That latter one should be at the forefront of your mind.
• Seek advocates — Along the way, you have developed your tribe.  It is the people who have been there for you regardless of the circumstance.  I have learned who those folks are more than ever.  They have been the ones who have called me when I am in the midst of the storm versus when the skies are clear.  They have remained close rather than scrambling like roaches when the light comes on.  Those are your peeps.  Those folks are the people who will be there through thick and thin for you, and they will remind you of who you are and what you bring to the table.  They will be honest with you, and if you do have shortcomings, you best believe that this group will sincerely and lovingly tell you the truth.  They will advocate for you and support you.  They are your home team.  They will build your self-confidence and reaffirm you.
• Seek counseling — Sometimes, you are in a situation where your reality is so crowded that it is hard to tell what is real and what is not real.  People have thought that I had it together, but I was dealing with the “symptoms of imposter syndrome”.  I was at my lowest point in life.  No one knew, and everyone thought that life was good for me, but I needed help.  I was drowning.  If you don’t feel that you can get the support that you need from friends and family, please seek professional counseling assistance.  As a strong, independent, black man, I put this one off for years.  There is also the long standing stigma that goes along with  receiving counseling also that I had to overcome.  Over the past few months, I have dealt with many issues that have existed during my fifty plus years of life through the assistance of a professional counselor.  Don’t wait. Don’t hesitate.  Don’t listen to the noise that says that it is not ok.  Seek out that professional expertise from a qualified and licensed counselor.  They can help you sort through these feelings.  It has helped me to arrive at a different place, but know that it is a journey and not a destination.  You must continually work on overcoming those voices of insecurity, and in some cases, overcoming the blatant attacks that those around you are instigating to ensure that you are having these feelings.  

The feelings of being an imposter, whether they are real or not, will impact your ability to be successful personally and professionally.  I battled with it for years, and I did not do the things that would have helped me through those times and difficult situations.  Lesson learned.  Through much reflection and through support and counseling, I have been able to arrive at a different place.  I know that there will be times in the future when this will happen again.  These monsters will rear their ugly heads.  I am prayerful that I will remind myself of the words that I have written here for you.  In the midst of the storm, peace and clarity seem to be impossible goals.  However, you must find peace in your heart and remember what you bring to the table.  You’ve got this!!!

Bravata, D. M., Watts, S. A., Keefer, A. L., Madhusudhan, D. K., Taylor, K. T., Clark, D. M., Nelson, R. S., Cokley, K. O., Hagg, H. K. (2019). Prevalence, Predictors, and Treatment of Impostor Syndrome: a Systematic Review. Journal of Internal Medicine. 2020 Apr;35(4):1252-1275. doi: 10.1007/s11606-019-05364-1.

Kolligian, J., Jr. & Sternberg, J. R. (1991) Perceived Fraudulence in Young Adults: Is There an ‘Imposter Syndrome’?, Journal of Personality Assessment, 56:2, 308-326, DOI: 10.1207/s15327752jpa5602_10 

Galatians 6:2-5

² Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. ³ For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. ⁴ But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. ⁵ For each will have to bear his own load.

(Excerpts from a sermon by Pastor Amy Howard, First United Methodist Church, Tuscaloosa, August 21, 2022).

I try to always pay attention at church, but there are some messages that grab your attention more than others.  Recently, our associate pastor delivered a message that resonated with me in a profound way.  It is one that has been going through my head quite a bit through the years, and it has really hit home this year.  I hope that I can provide an adequate summation of the sermon and my personal experiences, while also doing it in such a way that it helps those of you who may feel that it will benefit you in your life.  

Her message focused on the notion that there are two types of burdens – those that are your own, and those that belong to others.  In the former case, we have burdens of our own which we bear each day.  Those are knapsacks, and we typically can bear them alone.  However, we sometimes take on the burdens of others, which she equates to boulders.  Often people will try to carry the boulders of others in addition to their knapsack, and they get “crushed” so to speak because they take on too much. We will take on those boulders even when we should not be taking them on for others, nor has anyone asked us to take them.  Regardless, we cannot carry those boulders alone.  We must establish boundaries, and we must understand our capacities.  Bearing others burdens requires that we be equipped to do so.

I had someone tell me once that because I was a black man living in a predominantly white town that I ran the risk of being a failure.  As he was a white man, I took offense to his statement at first, but he explained his statement.  He stated that I was going to be highly sought after to serve and be visible in the workplace and in the community.  He stated that I would be sought after by individuals who desired to be mentored.  He felt that I would be stretched thin if I wasn’t careful.  I heard, but I didn’t hear him.  I ran headlong into life as a young man thinking that I could shoulder all of these boulders of the world.

I feel that I have balanced life fairly well in terms of family, work, and taking care of myself.  However, there are indications that I was not doing as well as I thought.  Due to my past traumas and challenges, and an overwhelming feeling of imposter syndrome (watch for an upcoming blog on this one), I felt like it was necessary to not let anyone down.  There were dropped balls.  There were missed meetings.  There were times that I was late.  There were missed family events.  There were important events where I “was not present” because my mind was elsewhere because of the numerous other commitments that kept my mind focused on multiple and competing priorities.  I achieved much, but I could have done so much more if I had been more focused.

Here are some thoughts to ponder as it relates to ensuring that you are staying balanced and not carrying too many boulders.

1. Understand your priorities – During my freshman year as an Alabama football player, Coach Bill Curry stated that we should have four priorities: God (or whatever spiritual being we desired to worship), family, our education, and Alabama football.  It was fairly simple and straightforward right.  He added that our priorities are easy to state, but when we look at how much time we spend with each of them, are they truly our prioritized priorities?  Think about what is most important to you.  Commit fully to those things based upon what is realistic in terms of time management.  Don’t take on any more than will realistically fit in your schedule.  Ask yourself if you can achieve your goals for each of these priorities, and if you cannot, then you need to reshuffle the deck.  It’s easier said than done, but you must be honest with yourself.
2. Learn to say “no” – I have this overwhelming feeling that if I said no to anyone who requested that I serve or who asked me to mentor them that I was a failure.  I felt like I was letting people down.  However, I learned that I said yes in some cases, and I took on boulders that I should not be carrying, and consequently, I learned that I was not doing anyone any favors.  I was not helping to solve the problem.  In some cases, I became part of the problem.  Graciously saying no and articulating your passion for the project or person, while also acknowledging your current commitments is not a bad thing at all.  It may disappoint some people, but at the end of the day, you must be true to yourself.
3. Delegate, Delegate, Delegate – If you are in a position of leadership, and you can ask others to spend some time on the matters, please take advantage of it.  It goes without saying that you should make sure that it is within the boundaries of their job description and not unethical for whatever reason.  Be sure to highlight how this will benefit all concerned, including the reality that the work will get done because it has been placed into the hands of someone who will put full energy into it.
4. Realize that you cannot save the world – In several of my more recent positions, I was the first African American to serve in a permanent role in these executive level positions.  I was very honored and humbled by the chance to do so.  However, there are many expectations from so many different constituents.  The African American community wants you to be successful because we are always of the opinion that if the “first” does not do well, it will close the doors for others.  Many will expect you to be the voice for the African American community which is completely unfair because the community is not monolithic.  There are many voices, and you should not be expected to represent the entire community.  There will be young professionals and other constituents who will desire to have your ear because they want to know how to achieve at the levels that you have achieved.  It is admirable, and it is important, but you must remember that there are only so many hours in the day.  Give back and support others for sure, and do it often because to whom much is given, much is expected.  Some will say required instead of expected, but let’s be real.  Whose measuring stick are we utilizing in stating that it is required?  You cannot please everyone.  You again must be realistic in assessing how to give back in a way that you are not overburdened with the cares of the world.  It will only set you up for failure if you do.

Taking care of your personal knapsack is so very important in that you are taking care of your own business. However, some are equipped to take care of their own burdens, and they take on the burdens of others as well. As the Bible verses from Galatians’ scripture, that is what we are supposed to do. It is ok do so, but know that you are limited in your ability to take care of yourself and others.  Our Lord wants us to serve and support one another, as stated in these verses, but He wants us to do it humbly while also submitting our will to His Will.  You only have the capacity to do so much.  You don’t have an “S” on your chest (superman/woman), regardless of what you think.  When you take on too much, you spread yourself thin, and you become useless to anyone.  Learn to manage your priorities and leverage the resources and the people around you to be successful.  The sooner you learn this, the more likely you are to be successful long term.  Finally, I did not go into this much, but do things for the right reason.  Always be committed to serving others, but do it strategically.  Don’t take on too many elephants because you will eventually be crushed.